define: Obesity

Frape urgent appeal advert. Stop the frape (facebook rape)

Cunt on the couch

So the parties over. And everyone is looking for a place to crash.
That docile and comatose stranger that you once saw slumped against the wall,
is now looking at the empty sofa.
The beds have been taken by lovers and experimenting drunkards.
And you need a place to sleep.
And low and behold the stranger is spewin' his guts out into the toilet.
This is your chance!


And as if the couch had been that thing missing from the side of your body all night,
you dive into the creases of sofa. And all your coins spill out your pocket into the gaping void.
You don't care.
You disappear under a blanket. Because if you can't see them, then they can't see you (naive).
And you pass out.
Until you are awoken the next morning by the sound of cleaning and clanking beer cans.
You hear the creaking of someone coming down the stairs, and phrase you will never forget,
"Who's that cunt on the couch?"

You may ask , Mikey, how do you know this story so well?

I am the cunt on the couch! ! !

And you may experience this at some point in your life, but where that badge with honour.
and although that couch may have felt, acted, and essentially is, like a bed.
When the new day starts, people need to sit down sometimes, and the multi-purpose use of a couch may send them mad. So you cannot lie in.
But if your in this position, have some fun with it.
If there are two chair objects free, make them into a conjoined sleeping experience.
Use your imagination, i wanna see what you come up with.



 

Mikey Bharj on the London Riots, Police, Water cannons, Curfew...

"Not anymore, but I used to be!"

"I used to be" are the saddest words in any language

unless you were a murderer......





or an estate agent.

My area is more shitter than yours!!

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone, introducing which area you live in.
And depending on the person, the conversation may to turn to an argument on who has the roughest area.

"Nahh man, my ends are rough mate, people get robbed in the park all the time"

"Naaahhhh Naaah man that's nothing, my ends are more rougher. The park itself got robbed, all they left were two holes in the ground, where the swings and slide used to be.
Then they took 'em home, and set them up in their garden."

By that point you have to say,

"O.k., your area is more shit, you win!"

and if your brave you can finish it with,

"Yeah, and do you know what you win, an addictive personality, an illegitimate child and an S.T.I."
Or do you wanna GAMBLE that, and win a TWO YEAR HOLIDAY in her majesty's correctional facility.

So Goofy VS No Toothy

I once saw two specimen on the Jeremy Kyle show, who were at odds with each other.
We're all a fan of distinctive features, but one man had a little too much going on, it was as if his nose had a nose and one eye was looking at Jeremy Kyle and the other at the stage exit, hence "So Goofy".
Whereas the other looked as if he was under proportioned in certain parts, such as a missing eyebrow, chin, and of course teeth. Hence the name "No Toothy".  How you loose all your teeth, is still a mystery.
I feel the two men would be OK, if they could swap parts from each other,
Because its better to be So Toothy and No Goofy.

Mikey Bharj talking about Drugs and Alcohol

The infamous OWL joke

Aged 17 and Dumb...lol

Mikey Bharj's stand up clips from the "Come Spend Money" set

The Black Fruit Pastel

The west end production "Avenue Q", which parodied the Muppet-puppets from 'Sesame Street',  confirmed that "everyone's a little bit racist".

Some people believe that segregation is a good thing, 

( i mean whats not to like about injustice)

especially when it comes to sweeties.

For some reason the Black Fruit Pastel has had a hard knock life.

And i'm frequently finding that i'm quick to cast it away from my packet.

"BLACK CURRENT!?!?! Yuk! "

"OUT WITH YOU!!!!!!"

I'm finding more and more that i have this prejudice in common with most people. Even some of my potential romances have shared my bigotry. And this common quirk allowed us to break the ice. But then again, why is that a good thing? that both me and my significant other share a dislike for the Black Fruit Pastel. That means she's gonna take all my Reds!!!...or my Greens!!!! Surely it would be more ideal, if she disliked the Reds and had a sweet tooth for the Black Fruit Pastel, 

Oh and the Yellow ones as well, i'm not too keen on those either. 

But what i'm trying to get across is, it makes sense to be in a relationship with someone who is not a like-for-like clone of yourself, but instead the opposite. Who loves the things that you fear (e.g. Bees) and munches down the food you neglect (e.g. cheese and onion, from the Walkers 3 x variety pack)

The only reason why i keep buying them, despite hating one third of the contents (blue), is because of my love for Salt & Vinegar, followed by a close Ready Salted, which is really half a step away to becoming Salt and Vinegar itself. 

In fact why is cheese and onion even in the variety pack. It dosn't even make sense, its compelty off related.

How can you go from Salt & Vinegar to Ready Salted to CHEEESE!! AND!!(what there's more) ONION!!

how do they sleep at night? oh yeah! on a matrice made of money. 

Dealer with a headset

My dealer has got his very own automated answering service.

PRESS ONE - for Weed
PRESS TWO- for Skunk
OR
PRESS THE HASH BUTTON ( # )

Ghosts can't change clothes

As we all know, films like the "Sixth Sense" and "Ghost" incorporate the notion that ghosts have to stay in the clothes they die in for all eternity.
If you haven't seen the "Sixth Sense", it's the one were at the end, he was Bruce Willis.
And if you haven't seen "Ghost", then your probably like me and only caught the last half an hour
on Channel 5.
But where did this idea come from? Is it just promoting Hollywood's agenda to confuse and demonize the after life. We have probably heard the saying, "i wouldn't be caught dead wearing this!"God forbid dying in your sleep and forever having to rock it in your vest and pants. Just like when you forgot your P.E. kit at school.
maybe similar to getting picked for the team, only the best dressed get to go to heaven first.
Maybe if there is such a thing as heaven, it could have a "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service policy"
So, when you die, make sure your wearing something that can be formal as well as casual.
Hopefully, you wont be wearing anything that dates you to a specific time.
and hopefully you won't die at a fancy dress party! Especially if you went as a zombie,
now that just would be confusing.

Magic Tramp!

I rubbed a magic tramp and i gave him three washes.

-The End.

Mikey Bharj's Halarious Comedy Set @ The Hideaway Night Club. June 2011

Tigers! - 10% off

Most of all these animal extinction appeals are sounding like a feature on 'QVC' or 'Bid Tv'.

"Come on, we have only Thirty Five! Tigers left".
"Give us your money!"

And i swear I've seen these ads for years now, or is it just me. There can't still be thirty five tigers left.
Maybe if they realized, by using the medium of television, you are degrading your cause to the exploratory strategies deemed by most dishonest corporations. Maybe it's time for a team up, WWF (animal charity) and WWF (when wrestling was cool). ONE ring, ONE hour, No rules.

Lets have a vote, shall we deal with charity and fundraising in small steps until is done. Ya know, a million there, or a billion there.
OR!!
Shall we just get it over with tonight, i mean really fixed it up, in one generation, or until somethings good on TV.

How do you know what part of London your in?

You can always tell what part of London your in,
by looking at the brands of cigarettes on the floor.

Mayfair and Sterling's,  you best turn around!!!

Peak Times.

Just looking at a black cab, i feel poorer.

Bharjism 'We are all me'

Just a thought.

But to be honest, this thought will only sound profound if spoken with Indian Guru accent.

We are all me....

Every human being is really just an alternative version of myself.

Me as the male, me as the Mother, me as the young and me as the old. 

We are all really just one being, living human life in the full spectrum of possibilities. 

Some consider that you treat each human like your brother or significant other, but brothers fight. 

It would be more beneficial to life if we recognized that each being was in fact, 'me'. And till this day, i find it difficult and tend to avoid, causing 'myself' harm .